I haven’t yet explained the full back story of my current life situation, but I am working on a post to do that, nearing 7,000 words it is lengthy and raw and honest and as soon as I’m finished and happy with the words on the page I will share it.

In short for the benefit of context on this post I’ll explain in brief detail. When I was at primary school I began suffering from anxiety, anxiety for me comes in the form of a hot tight and heavy knot that sits right in the middle of my stomach. That knot over time became so big that there was no room for food and my what had been healthy appetite ceased. Towards the end of primary school this led to a real aversion to food because I just never felt hungry and the desire to eat deserted me.

I went to a small private school here in the South West and with small class sizes my shrinking physique was noticed very quickly. I spent about two years (you’ll have to bear with me here there is a lot of memory loss from this era of life) being force-fed at school, a stern faced matron would keep me behind after lunch and sit opposite me stone faced for sometimes hours, adamant I wasn’t to get down from the table until I had finished through hysterical tears what was on my plate.

By the time I hit Secondary school my relationship was ruined, food in my young eyes was now a danger. During this time of high anxiety I also developed a very irrational phobia about throwing up (Emetophobia) and the added fear around food causing illness or poisoning just intensified that fear of food tenfold.

I’ve made my way through life eating out of necessity, never joy. Where most people can salivate and feel genuine happiness about the prospect of their favorite meal or sweet treat, I have NEVER been able to share the same emotions around food. Food to me was something I had to eat to stay alive, never a pleasure.

Throughout the years this has worsened and lessened in peaks and troughs, always related to the stress levels in my life, but eight months ago when I went through a huge family breakdown and lost my home my body just said NO. All of a sudden my window of ‘safe foods’ which I had eaten on repeat for the last 30 years were no longer an option and my body started to reject EVERYTHING.

The brain and the gut very closely linked had hit the point of overwhelm where eating was no longer and option and my nervous system had shifted my body in to full blown survival mode.

Gradually over the last four months, working with some of the most incredible therapists and NHS services I have started to make slow steps towards recovery, but the most important relationship to heal is my one with food. I desperately want to enjoy food, love certain dishes and broaden my pallet from what has historically always been beige and bland ‘safe’ food.

I made a vow to do this and my first step was to commit to spending more time cooking and baking as a way to bring some enjoyment back in to my kitchen, which for almost six months was a place I only ever went to for the kettle.

I now try small amounts of new foods every day and even through the fear, commit to pushing myself a little bit further every day. I’m going to combine my love of photography and writing together with my new interest in cooking and baking and share some of the recipes I make and try over the coming months.

Love and Light as Always

Georgie